Just before I cover how to buy pepper spray, let me say there’s something rumbling below the surface that needs to explode. It’s a sort of like lava, or a white phosphorous grenade, if you’re familiar with ordnance.

Yesterday on the telly the story was AIG. Outrage! More outrage!

Yes, the CEO Ed Liddy is a moron, but that isn’t the important story. And no, AIG executives, who pretty much wrecked the company, don’t deserve a penny for their efforts.

The real back stor, is about the mooks who were standing in the well of the House and Senate, demanding the money back from AIG executives, and threatening confiscatory taxes if the demands aren’t met. They were led by the impeccable Chuck (U Farley) Schumer, the senior Senator from New York.

Ole Chucko bristled while his ally John Kerry stared and probably wondered when he could get a bathroom break to rid himself of the previous night’s filet de boofe.

But here’s an interesting fact you might want to pay attention too. The candidates who got the most cash from AIG are:

1. Christopher Dodd (What a surprise). Wherever there’s finance or housing corruption, Chris Dodd is standing there…watching the it all burn to the ground. But, of course we can always count on him.

2. Chuck (U Farley) Schumer - Now this is interesteing. The guy leading the cavalry against AIG got himself the second largest pile of campaign contributions.

3. President B.O. - That’s right ladies and gentlemen…El Jefe squeezed in third in the campaign dough sweepstakes…followed of course by…

4. John McCain - who was followed by…

5. John (before it then against it) Kerry

6. Joe Lieberman

7. Joe (Huh?) Biden

Now of course there were Republicans who took their share…but 85% of those who took AIG money were in the Dumbo Party. (It’s much easier to collect those big bundles.)

They should be forced to give that money back.

They should be fined an amount equal to what they took, and then some.

They should be voted out of office, and get no pension.

They should be forced to clean bathrooms at Penn Station in New York for the rest of their miserable hypocritical lives. (Or live with Nancy Pelosi.)

So…you want to buy pepper spray.

Let’s pretend you want it to defend yourself, your family, or even your idiot liberal cousin from New York. Or Massachusetts, or Connecticut.

There are a couple of things to consider here.

1. The environment (and I’m not talking about Climate Change).

2. The locale.

3. The distance involved.

4. The heat

You should be asking yourself:

When do I strike? Do I spray multiple times? How strong should my pepper spray be? Am I going to be inside or outside? Is there wind? Is it raining? If I’m inside and use pepper spray what should I do after?

Personally, like Tim the Toolman Taylor, I like more power. So I always go for Wildfire. It can burn the balls off a bear in seconds, believe me I know. Now sometimes you might prefer the Mace Pepper Gun, which has a good range of twenty-five feet. It won’t burn like the tenth level of hell, but sometimes you only need Level 1 or 2. And believe me, the mook won’t know the difference.

All pepper spray is effective. That’s the primary reason you buy pepper spray. It’s a deterrent, and a very good one. My personal feeling is that some deterrents are more effective than others, and they leave a psychological mark on a mook. Wildfire leaves a permanent scar on a mook’s psyche, and he will forever equate whatever his hustle was to severe pain.

The Mace Pepper Gun can take a mook out without you getting close.

But to be effective, you must buy pepper spray and keep it on your person - I love that phrase. It sure as hell isn’t going to do much for you sitting in a warehouse. (I pity the fool…)

So buy pepper spray if you want protection.

And fantasize of the time you get jumped by a dirty, unshaved mook who looks like Chris Dodd…(spray spray…Oh is that you Senator…spray spray…I guess that hurts…spray spray…did you say something there…spray spray…did you ever give back that AIG money?)

As you can tell, I’ve thought about that more than once today. It’s nice.

At least for me.

Tags: Self Defence